a sitting in the porch soaking in the water drizzle from the torrential rain never felt better =)

often times, people always strive to obtain what they want, and more often than not, the best you can get. its actually all basic human needs, what economists term unlimited wants and needs. but does what an individual want and need actually a fit, or rather right for them? take clothes for example. you see it on mannequins, on other individuals, on the racks, in pictures and what nots and you think... hmm thats very pretty, so you hunt for it, get them in your size, in your hands even, and you head to the fitting room and try it on hoping that it would look as good on you when you first perceived, and at times (or rather more often that not) it just doesnt fit. it may fit very right at a certain part but totally wrong on another. and no matter how much you like it and thinks it will fit if you just put in some effort to somehow make it work, it just wouldnt -assuming no alterations, and most definitely not tailor made- and this, i observed, is life. this happens in all (or most?) aspects of life. with relationships with people,  factor in work, your love hate relationship with life, and like example, clothes :S . so, question is do you change something perfect to suit yourself or do you change yourself to suit that perfect something?
i reckon i am more inclined to change something perfect to suit myself but at times when life gets the better of me, ill reflect and contemplate whether should i myself be the one who should instead change and mould myself into perfection. contradictory? you bet.

summer hols are coming to an end, and i think i am ready to get back to routine and life in exe. i will most definitely miss home, -the people, you know who you are , and food indefinitely- but i guess its about time to not live idly and get back to having to live life on my toes for now. i had one of the best years in year 2 and dont think i will experience the same again. but with (i think) zero expectations, who knows what final year will hold for me?

home is great, i do nothing, i get nagged for doing just that, i ate to my hearts content and expended my waistline like no tomorrow, i spent time with family and got chummier with my nieces and soaked up as much of my good looking baby nephew as i could, i got off my lazy arse and paid penang a visit on a decision made at the eleventh hour, i have few but great catch up and gossip sessions with friends, i soaked up a substantial amount of knowledge, experience and learnt of work responsibilities from my internship and lastly, i peggy chan, did the unbelievable. i baked .


choc brownies, pre-bake. which i thought looked alot yummier than pre-bake.


looking blah but tasted oh so yummylicious. oh i shall refrain from self praising but its a recipe from a friend and if i praise it means im giving her credits for it


cupcakes...






more cupcakes.



ok. kau tim. selamat hari raya peeps =)

i have to stop scribbling my heart mind out on scraps and scraps of random pieces of paper i can get my hands on. its got to stop before they land into places and hands that i dont want them to be. lifes a bitch for no xanga accessibility when you really need to. when you really have to. when you really want to.

maybe its time to consider putting pen on paper instead of fingers on keyboard. where i can start scribbling my inner thoughts as i am feeling instead of putting them on hold to when i get xanga access and not feel like writing anymore.yes, life is such. and this, dear people, is my -at times cryptic- sanctuary.

pegsy will be back shortly =)

i HATE statistics and econometrics with ALL MY HEART.

and all i want to do now is scream and shout and hurt myself so bad because i refuse to let it get to me instead.

i detest it so very much its come to the point where nothing i read or do is registering in my head anymore.

and because of that, i am going to honestly properly look at it until tomorrow and dump it aside until after mandarin paper. im so sorry daddy. and mummy. ive tried. i dont want to come off sounding like ive given up.
ive not. i am still trying. but i guess just not as much as i should or want to.

its mid-may now and we are still experiencing bad english weather (read: rain + cold). where is summer? where is the sun? where is the warmth? here i am freezing to my bones past couple of days. im even back to wearing socks to bed!

work hasnt been going great. i can say that i am almost done with going through all notes from lectures -except for mandarin where i still have yet to prepare anything- but how much excatly can i remember? erm... 30%?! both macro and stats are a pain to do revision on . i cannot screw up either of them cos i need to maintain my grades. which by the look of it now is below what i am aiming for.

you know when they say people stop calculating and remembering their age after they have passed a certain age say, 21? i can attest to it that its unfortunately, true. (diversion: shit, niece just called me ku che (aunt). f this shit) see what i mean now?! right, so back to my rambling. was having a chat with a friend some time ago about a topic i cannot quite remember but it was something along the lines of 'in the past...' and i actually stopped, paused, and calculated how old i am now. yes, story of my life. the thing is, its like somewhere inside me thinks i just turned 21. i dont think i have came to live my live as a 21 or 22 year old and soon im gonna go one up and will still wonder where did my past 2 years go? question is, do we just naturally not keep tabs on our age as we age (in my case as i turned 21) or is it because our brains just refuse to remember? i believe there is a subtle difference to both. i can foresee myself keeping myself in check only when i turn the big 3-0. or maybe 27? heck thats like 4 years from now. and what is 4 years? time flies and before i know it with the snap of my fingers i am there. doing what? i do not want to know because the way i am looking at things now its doesnt seem too great. will i be missing that something or will it be in my hands? we shall find out soon. and how can someone just 10 yrs younger than me call me an aunt?! i shudder at that very thought. not that i never knew my position in the family but putting a term above che che is just something i cannot handle right now. probably never?


photo taken in dec 2004 with above said niece and sis.
look at her then. look at me now.

embarassment is when your housemates tell you that they think you sing well and sound happy amidst the stress. omg. i should really tone down with the sing songy mood. but honestly speaking, how can you when you are listening to one song singing about silly romeo and juliet and another too happy talking about ridding yourself of vanities and just go with the season?

ive not been up to much lately. skiving lecs here and there and waking up late is definitely the most uninteresting to talk about. but pretty much that about it. hence a nice long weekend .

im back to doing what i used to do best avoiding study time lately, blog reading. its interesting to catch up with blog that i havent visited in ages. some good, mostly bad. good read for the day. it is a good piece. most things i can relate to. ive even gone through and is going through the four phases mentioned. mind you, not all four at the same time. but definitely a been there done that and still going through sticky situations. heck, even most of the questions the author posed were the ones ive always had running in my head when i go through reflection period. not only reflection period but times when i see, read, or hear about them. humans are complicated enough but made even more so by what we call emotions. at times i lie to friends and even myself at times saying that enough is enough. its time to put a close to it. but you know, until you know the very true reason, its just not possible to have a true closure. some people understands, but mostly dont. its never just good enough to say ive had enough of this shit and therefore you can fuck off. things are always, always easier said than done.